2008 Woodie Awards
To replace a giant: Goodbye, Provost Destler
The Lite Fare
Issue date: 3/6/07 Section: Opinion
Alia iacta est. The die is cast. Our senior vice president for academic affairs and provost Bill Destler. has thrown his lot in against us and decided to jump ship. He will be the new president of Rochester Institute of Technology. Was it something we said? Was the customized stationery not stylish enough? What could possibly possess a person to decide to move from College Park to hideous upstate New York? (If you are from Rochester and are reading this, please take offense.) We may never know the answer to these questions. Nevertheless, the university must move on. Now that citizen Destler no longer exists, his position must be filled by someone of greater loyalty and more fanatical devotion to the Terrapins. We need someone who will stir the souls of students and once again get them excited about academic affairs. Naturally, we have some suggestions.
Gary Williams
Our glorious coach has been everywhere recently with all the success his team is enjoying. He has played an instrumental part in fundraising efforts and has been given nationwide attention for the Terps' winning streak. Why not let him use his growing influence in the position of provost?
Sometimes, you just need someone who is willing to yell at professors until he is hoarse if you want them to do something. They are mostly the intellectual type and have entered academia to escape the tyranny of jocks and their enablers, such as Coach Williams. A little verbal abuse would be a great way to motivate our nerdy faculty to continue churning out papers on gender studies and nanophysics. Plus, his sweating would let everyone know he really cares about academic affairs.
Connie Chung
If there were any professional journalist who has repeatedly shown her professionalism and seriousness, it is Connie Chung. In her 38 years since graduating from the university, she has accomplished much. She has, by her efforts, closed many doors for Asians who want to enter the hard-hitting world of broadcast journalism. The high point of Chung's public life is, without a doubt, her storybook marriage to noted social critic and theorist Maury Povich.
Together, they ask the tough questions one would rather not be asked, especially when we just have to know who the father of this baby is. In any case, her image and talents could be very useful in the position of provost. Her appointment would also show young Asians everywhere that they too can grow up and fulfill their dreams of careers in university administration. Normally, with just a bachelor's degree, she would not be qualified to take up the post. But the benefits of the sexy new makeover that Chung would give to academic affairs are just too great to pass up.
Barack Obama
Word has it that the junior senator from Illinois is not satisfied in his current position. What if we were to offer him one here? His image is golden, and his experiences in the Ivy League more than qualify him to be in charge of academic affairs here. Of course, he is running for president. But we are confident he can be seduced by the glamour of College Park and the unprecedented power that would be his as our university's provost. University president Dan Mote just needs to use some of his good-old California charm to woo him here. Sure, it's a fat chance, but one can have the audacity to hope, no?
Gary Williams
Our glorious coach has been everywhere recently with all the success his team is enjoying. He has played an instrumental part in fundraising efforts and has been given nationwide attention for the Terps' winning streak. Why not let him use his growing influence in the position of provost?
Sometimes, you just need someone who is willing to yell at professors until he is hoarse if you want them to do something. They are mostly the intellectual type and have entered academia to escape the tyranny of jocks and their enablers, such as Coach Williams. A little verbal abuse would be a great way to motivate our nerdy faculty to continue churning out papers on gender studies and nanophysics. Plus, his sweating would let everyone know he really cares about academic affairs.
Connie Chung
If there were any professional journalist who has repeatedly shown her professionalism and seriousness, it is Connie Chung. In her 38 years since graduating from the university, she has accomplished much. She has, by her efforts, closed many doors for Asians who want to enter the hard-hitting world of broadcast journalism. The high point of Chung's public life is, without a doubt, her storybook marriage to noted social critic and theorist Maury Povich.
Together, they ask the tough questions one would rather not be asked, especially when we just have to know who the father of this baby is. In any case, her image and talents could be very useful in the position of provost. Her appointment would also show young Asians everywhere that they too can grow up and fulfill their dreams of careers in university administration. Normally, with just a bachelor's degree, she would not be qualified to take up the post. But the benefits of the sexy new makeover that Chung would give to academic affairs are just too great to pass up.
Barack Obama
Word has it that the junior senator from Illinois is not satisfied in his current position. What if we were to offer him one here? His image is golden, and his experiences in the Ivy League more than qualify him to be in charge of academic affairs here. Of course, he is running for president. But we are confident he can be seduced by the glamour of College Park and the unprecedented power that would be his as our university's provost. University president Dan Mote just needs to use some of his good-old California charm to woo him here. Sure, it's a fat chance, but one can have the audacity to hope, no?
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