2008 Woodie Awards
The Lite Fare
Winner take all
Issue date: 4/8/08 Section: Opinion
It is accepted by a majority of people these days that competition is often the best way to solve problems and stagnancy. If two or more people or entities feel the need to get the better of one another, they will do their best, and the best will prevail. But perhaps what is really needed in our age is a new kind of competition. This is the competition demonstrated by the epic pancake-eating showdown between SGA President Andrew Friedson and College Park Mayor Stephen Brayman. This sort of battle of wills presents a new model for how to resolve disputes and make life at the university much better. There are in fact examples in history of such a strategy, and they teach us that we would do well to apply it to many of the problems we face today.
We will bury you!
During the height of the Cold War, there was seemingly no field in which the United States and the Soviet Union were not fierce competitors. Aerospace, nuclear weapons and chess are just a few. But what is known to few historians is that the Cold War included a 40-year feud in competitive milk drinking. Each year, in a neutral city like Helsinki, the American president and the Soviet premier would get together and each attempt to drink an entire gallon of milk first. In addition to causing much misery and vomiting, these contests heightened tensions between the two powers. It was only months before his fateful assassination that President Kennedy was accused of cheating by Nikita Khrushchev in their duel by tampering with and diluting his milk. The fact that the USSR's last leader, Mikhail Gorbachev, was lactose intolerant is seen by many as the reason for the end of the Cold War.
Priority numbers
There is a considerable amount of frustration among students about the system of priority numbers for housing. The number received is often arbitrary, and does not reflect in any way whether someone deserves a place on the campus. We propose, then, that priority numbers be determined by a competition that would test some skill essential to survive on the campus. One obvious choice is a beer pong tournament. It is, after all, the cultural reference point for all those who live on the campus. It is also a magnificent test of physical dexterity, precision and grace.
While beer pong is a feasible idea, it is somewhat biased toward those with a high alcohol tolerance and physical skill. Another more intellectual challenge would be a whining competition. Those seeking on-campus housing would make verbal pleas to Resident Life officials to be judged on standards of earnestness, desperation and believability. College students are known to excel when it comes to whining and having a sense of entitlement, so such a competition would be tailored to their strengths.
The next president
While university President Dan Mote is still in the prime of his tenure, it would be beneficial to consider the process of how his replacement will be found. In the past, candidate searches have been largely peaceful affairs in which university leaders scope out talented administrators from other schools. While these methods have been successful, they do not really test a candidate's ability to handle the enormous pressure of leading a modern university. We suggest something different - war. Potential candidates would build their campaigns by drafting students and faculty members to fight alongside them against rival factions, and ultimately the last candidate standing would take the position of president until overthrown. War often brings about the best in leaders, and leadership of the university should be no different. This is especially true in these dark times, when the university must continue its eternal and bloody struggle for supremacy with the city of College Park.
We will bury you!
During the height of the Cold War, there was seemingly no field in which the United States and the Soviet Union were not fierce competitors. Aerospace, nuclear weapons and chess are just a few. But what is known to few historians is that the Cold War included a 40-year feud in competitive milk drinking. Each year, in a neutral city like Helsinki, the American president and the Soviet premier would get together and each attempt to drink an entire gallon of milk first. In addition to causing much misery and vomiting, these contests heightened tensions between the two powers. It was only months before his fateful assassination that President Kennedy was accused of cheating by Nikita Khrushchev in their duel by tampering with and diluting his milk. The fact that the USSR's last leader, Mikhail Gorbachev, was lactose intolerant is seen by many as the reason for the end of the Cold War.
Priority numbers
There is a considerable amount of frustration among students about the system of priority numbers for housing. The number received is often arbitrary, and does not reflect in any way whether someone deserves a place on the campus. We propose, then, that priority numbers be determined by a competition that would test some skill essential to survive on the campus. One obvious choice is a beer pong tournament. It is, after all, the cultural reference point for all those who live on the campus. It is also a magnificent test of physical dexterity, precision and grace.
While beer pong is a feasible idea, it is somewhat biased toward those with a high alcohol tolerance and physical skill. Another more intellectual challenge would be a whining competition. Those seeking on-campus housing would make verbal pleas to Resident Life officials to be judged on standards of earnestness, desperation and believability. College students are known to excel when it comes to whining and having a sense of entitlement, so such a competition would be tailored to their strengths.
The next president
While university President Dan Mote is still in the prime of his tenure, it would be beneficial to consider the process of how his replacement will be found. In the past, candidate searches have been largely peaceful affairs in which university leaders scope out talented administrators from other schools. While these methods have been successful, they do not really test a candidate's ability to handle the enormous pressure of leading a modern university. We suggest something different - war. Potential candidates would build their campaigns by drafting students and faculty members to fight alongside them against rival factions, and ultimately the last candidate standing would take the position of president until overthrown. War often brings about the best in leaders, and leadership of the university should be no different. This is especially true in these dark times, when the university must continue its eternal and bloody struggle for supremacy with the city of College Park.
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