Q: I'm a senior this year, and for a whole host of reasons, I ended up having to take ENGL101: Academic Writing this semester. I'm 23, and I know a lot of the girls in my class are freshmen, which means they could be as young as 18. A lot of them are really cute, but I don't know what the limit is. Bottom line: How young is too young?
A: I'm just going to skip right past the part where I make fun of you for being in ENGL101 — it's too easy. But at the same time, it's so hard because I really want to.
In any case, let's not fool ourselves with the ol' "age-is-just-a-number" bullshit. People who say that are 15-year-olds with daddy issues who like to date their professors or are statutory rapists with conscience issues. If age is just a number, then weight is just a number and height is just a number. And if age, weight and height are all just numbers, then hook me up with that fat, 60-year-old midget who replaced my transmission a few weeks ago. He seemed like a nice enough fellow. Also, he took me for two grand, so I'm assuming he's loaded.
This is obviously not viable logic. And if we've learned anything from that weirdo teacher who eloped and became impregnated by a 12-year-old in some heretofore unheard-of red state, then we know sometimes age does matter. With that being said, age difference matters exponentially less the older you get. Well, maybe not "exponentially" — I'm an English major so I'm not really sure what that means.
What I mean to say is, when you're a high school senior, it's sort of weird to date a girl in eighth grade. By "sort of weird," I mean her dad might pop you in the kneecap something fierce. When you're in college, it's acceptable for a 23-year-old to date a freshman. When you're 35, it's cool to date a girl 8 years younger than you, and so on and so forth. Eighty-year-olds can stoop as low as 12, according to societal norms. Just kidding.
So congratulations, you're in the clear. I think the only concern I would keep in mind is weirdo smart kids who skip multiple grades and end up in college when they're 15.
Those might not be the cuties you're referring to, though. Kids of that ilk usually wear sports goggles to class lest they trip on the way up the stairs and have shirts that say "virgin is not a dirty word."
As long as you don't lie about your age, you are transgressing no moral issues that I'm aware of, which are most of them. If you're still feeling concerned and you think these chicks are too young, try hitting up the downtown bars. Then you can be sure all the girls are at least 21.
Esti Frischling is a senior English major. She can be reached at esti at umdbk dot com.
is a member of the 
Be the first to comment on this article! Log in to Comment
You must be logged in to comment on an article. Not already a member? Register now