Advice: The ex's and o's of hookups

Q: I know this is an old question, but I've never heard a good answer, and it's never applied to me before now …  can I hook up with my friend's ex?

A: There are more components to this question than there are annoying designs in Kanye West's haircut. The first thing you have to consider is how long they were dating.  If they went out maybe once and hooked up for maybe a couple of weeks and she considers him an ex, then you probably don't want to be friends with this girl anyway.

In this instance all of your problems are solved — you get to hook up with this guy, and you get to ditch this weirdo. On the other hand, if as a couple they were an establishment in your group of friends like Brangelina, Bennifer or Beyonce-Z, then you should leave him be.

Another thing you have to consider is how long it has been since they last dated. If they went to a middle school dance together and then broke up in ninth grade and maybe hooked up for a little while during freshman year, she has as little claim over him as I have over Jake Gyllenhaal (he and I only hooked up for like two weeks more than six months ago). If they just broke up recently and she's still in the dipping-beer-battered-fries-in-Ben-and-Jerry's phase, you need to leave him alone.
If you choose to hook up with him, that's obviously your prerogative, but you are in danger of being dubbed a meddling slut bag.

The other variable in this equation is whether she is currently dating someone else. People in happy and committed relationships are always giggling happily and letting people infringe on their basic human rights because they're too happy to quit giggling for long enough to hear what you're even saying. You'll be all, "Oooh, you don't mind if I hook up with Joooohn, do youuuu?" And she'll be all, "Hee hee, Jake, stop nibbling on my ear in public! Hee hee … who's Jooooohn?" And Jake'll be all, "Oooh, I just can't stop nibbling and giggling because I'm soooo happy." Then you'll throw up. But on the plus side, you'll be totally in the clear. But if she's single and spends her weekends wallowing in misery and dressing like a hooker, you should probably resign yourself to doing the same. As I implied earlier in this paragraph, no one likes people who are happier than they are — it's annoying as shit.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I ask you, how close are you with this girl? When you say "friend" do you mean you share clothes and she gets offended when you go to The Diner without her? Or do you mean you sometimes run into her at Thirsty Turtle and you've seen her around with this guy who you are assuming once was her boyfriend? If you're pretty close with her, then I'm sorry to say this, but as the Bible clearly states, "chicks before dicks."

If it helps you decide, he'll probably also end up getting confused and shouting her name during sex, and then you'd probably end up killing yourself.  Totally not worth it.
Esti Frischling is a senior English major. She can be reached at esti at umdbk dot com.