Advice: Time to stop snitchin'

Q: I’m good friends with both members of this couple, and I know for a fact the guy cheated on the girl. I don’t want to create drama in my group of friends, but do I have an obligation as her friend to do or say anything?

A: You say cheated like it’s a one-time thing, so let’s pretend it is. I’d like to say it depends on which member of the couple you’re better friends with, but the truth is, you better not rat either way (bitch). Sounds like somebody needs to brush up on the infamous and locally-shot Carmelo Anthony “Stop Snitchin’” video.

Despite popular warnings not to, people love to kill the messenger. Even if you’re closer with the girl and she actually seems to appreciate it, you’re going to be so caught up in the drama of their crumbling relationship you’ll probably want kill the messenger yourself. If you’re closer with the guy but you say something to her, you better believe when the smoke clears after the big brouhaha, you’ll be ousted from the group. Then nobody’s happy, least of all the friends who you claim to care so much about. There’s also the distinct possibility that she’d rather not know. If he got wasted at Thirsty Turtle and while falling over in his drunken stupor accidentally landed on some freshman’s mouth, it’s sort of better not to bring it up.

If, on the other hand, this cheating is some sort of ongoing affair, the game changes. If you’re closer with the girl in this instance, you still do not tell her. Instead, you approach the guy and say something along the lines of (and feel free to quote me directly) “Dude stop being such a dick — your girl is hot, lay off the adulterous pussy.”  If this doesn’t convince him, you haven’t delivered it properly. Just kidding. 

After a speech of sorts, if he continues to cheat, he is obviously a huge asshole and you probably don’t want to be friends with someone who has such obvious personality flaws. Given that he cheats so regularly on his girlfriend, he probably also drinks your alcohol without pitching in and gets really low scores on Wii games — with your Mii. What a dick.

Assuming this guy is literally playing this girl, you can always try to convince him to break up with her. I mean, he can’t possibly see her as marriage material if he’s having all this premarital sex with all the sluts, right? Right. Guys like that honestly just suck. They really do.

I say — and this is my final answer by the way — blow up his spot and f--- his girl. Yeah.
Esti Frischling is a senior English major. She can be reached at esti at umdbk dot com.