Heatwave 2k10: I caused it

A couple weeks ago, I went to Six Flags with some good friends of mine. Our original intent was to hit up a few of our favorite roller coasters, but we ended up spending the majority of our time at the water park.

While we were swimming, one of my friends made an off-hand remark about how hot it was outside. In response, I uttered something that I'll regret for the rest of my life: "I hope July is the hottest month ever!"

Oops. Sorry about that, guys.

As it turns out, July 2010 is well on its way to becoming the hottest month ever. Unless you've been living under a rock for the past few weeks, you're well aware of this fact.

And if you actually have been living under a rock, I envy you. At least you're keeping cool.

We are way beyond the dog days of summer here. Dogs die in this kind of weather. I don't even think there's a name for what we're currently experiencing. But since I may have accidentally caused this whole mess, I'll go ahead and christen it. How does Heatwave2k10 sound? Get back to me once you're done treating your third-degree burns.

I just don't understand what our generation has done to deserve this. We have had two catastrophic weather events in the same year. What gives? Maybe we've made God really angry. That would explain a lot. During Snowpocalypse, all I wanted was to feel the sun again. Now, during Heatwave2k10, I'm begging for another Snowpocalypse. Don't you see? The Big Man Upstairs is just messing with us. I hope it rains frogs next.

Maybe we should have seen this coming. Looking back, the signs were everywhere. When LeBron James signed with the Miami Heat earlier this month, maybe he was trying to tell us something. When I told my friend July would be the hottest month ever, maybe I was trying to tell us something. But who cares, right? We're all screwed anyway.

Heatwave2k10 makes fools of us all. A couple days ago, I saw a report on the news that said the best way to stay cool during a heat wave was to — get this — find some shade. If you have to stay inside, the good folks in our local media recommend you turn on your air conditioning. I wish I were making this up. We are veering dangerously close to self-parody right now. This heat has turned the entire town stupid. Like, who in their right mind would even turn to the news for answers about keeping cool? "I'm dying of heat stroke, man! Someone turn on Channel 7 and see what Leon Harris suggests!"

It's funny. I was really looking forward to my senior year of college. But now I don't think I'll live out the summer. I've resigned myself to death — sweaty, sweaty death. Don't worry about me, guys. Worry about yourselves. If you need me, I'll be at Six Flags, telling people August will be the coldest month ever.

Mike Sanders is a senior U.S. history major. He can be reached at sanders at umdbk dot com.