Students vs. cops: Needs more Mike Sanders

It's going to be hard to solve this whole "students vs. police," "Route 1 riot" business in 500 words or less, but if anyone's up to the challenge, it's me.

In fact, I'll be honest: I have a long history of quelling conflicts. My résumé is pretty damn impressive in that department. Those cognizant of world history, for example, could point to the time I brokered a peace deal between Israel and Palestine; others might remember how I stopped two frat dudes from dropping the gloves at Panda last Friday night, saving everyone from a bad dining experience. So honestly, "students vs. police" ain't even no thang to me, because solving problems is just what I do. It basically boils down to me being a lover, not a fighter. A uniter, not a divider. A man of peace, not a Man-o'-war.

I extend so many olive branches, people think I work at the damn Olive Garden. My face is so associated with peace, everyone jokingly calls me "Shalom-dome." I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is giving the peace sign. Peace: It's what's for dinner, except I eat it for breakfast and lunch, too.

Hell, I'm even going to win over those who thought the last paragraph was a bit excessive, that's how much of a uniting spirit I am. Now that Greivis Vasquez has won the ACC Player of the Year award, I'll be the first one consoling runner-up Jon Scheyer. Put away that Scheyer-face, man, because I'm a uniter. Remember my handiwork the next time you see the two of them cavorting about in public, all smiles and hugs.

Everyone wonders how I do it, but the truth is, I have no idea. Maybe I'm just a really nice guy. Maybe the mere thought of conflict doesn't sit well with me, or maybe I just have this crazy desire to settle all the world's problems. When I asked my parents about it, they said they knew I was a lamb of peace way back in my diaper days. Apparently, I stopped them both from getting a divorce at the tender age of 2. It's hard to remember exactly what I said — me being only 2 years old and all — but I distinctly remember some sort of parade being thrown by America in my honor. Mom and Dad said everyone was so impressed with this sexy little kid who prevented the country from becoming an international laughing-stock — my parents are Barbara and former President George H.W. Bush, by the way — that a parade was the least anyone could do for me. Well, cool beans, it's whatever. I don't really like to draw attention to myself — I just mention all this in passing.

Anyway, with all that backstory out of the way, it's time to figure out how best to solve this "students vs. police" drama. I've been thinking about it all day, and I've finally come up with a solution I think will be acceptable to both sides that might just come in under the word limit to avoid part of this story getting cut out. In order to stop this in-fighting between police and students, I think we should all strive to

Mike Sanders is a junior history major. He can be reached at sanders at umdbk dot com.